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kyrapyon:

Aquarius

There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces 

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find true happiness – what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

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